Over a Century of Bad Chicago Cubs Baseball

Jokes

Below is the best and largest collection Chicago Cubs jokes on the planet.

Creative Acronyms for C.U.B.S

Did you know that CUBS is an acronym?
  • Completely Useless by September
  • Could U Beat Somebody
  • Could you be suckier?
  • Can Usually Blow Saves (or Series)
  • Completely Useless By Spring
  • Champions Until Baseball Starts
  • Can Usually Be Swept
  • Cork Used By Sammy
  • Cubs Acronym
  • Can’t Undo Being Sucky
  • Can’t Understand Baseball Scoring
  • Can’t Understand Baseball Strategy
  • Constantly Uttering Bull SH@* (When talking about Cub fans)
  • Choke Under Baseball Stress
  • Children Use Better Strategies
  • Crap up baseball’s sanctity
  • Completely underachieving batters, starters
  • Cry unnecessarily ’bout Stoney
  • Constant untimely base-running snafus
  • Cubs Utter Baker Sucks
  • Continually Upstaged By Sox
  • Chicago’s Underachieving Baseball Squad
  • Constantly Using Bad Strategy
  • Coming Up Behind Sucks
  • Completely, Utterly Blown System
  • Chicago’s Ultimate Bitch Squad
  • Completely underachieving baseball scrubs
  • Clearly Under Baseball Standards
  • Clubbed Until Beaten Shitless
  • Cardinals Usually Beat Severely
The Surgeon General and various medical agencies around the world have been seriously considering adopting a new universal logo for the Heimlich Maneuver:

These two were closely considered but they have decided on one that represents a more universal sign for choking:

Pulling a Cub- v.; adj., pul ling a c u b-

1. To say something stupid or act in a foolish way, much like the Chicago Cub’s fanbase.
(Example: believing that “Oh yeah? Well the cubs home games have the best attendance record”
is something to brag about to fans of other teams that win pennants and world series trophies.)

2. To keep believing even when your favorite sporting team sucks.

3. To lose an easy game or choke with a big lead.

4. To win an easy division and brag about when your counterparts are winning a much more difficult division.
(B-b-b-but cubs fans believe that they’re in the toughest division of the tougher
league. That’s been their excuse for suckiness for decades.)

Thanks to a gracious Cub hater for sending this one in.

The Cubs should move to the Philippines and change their name to the Manila Folders!

Cubs Baseball is for the Birds

The Voice of Murphy

2004———–The Boston Red Sox win their first World Series since 1918.

2005———–The Chicago White Sox win their first World Series since 1917.

2006———-The Cardinals win their first series since 1982. (That’s a long time between championships for St.Louis.)

2007———-Boston, again. Now they’re getting greedy.

2008———-100 years ago, the Cubs won their last World Series.

Through the eyes of Cardinal fans, let’s venture into the future for a glimpse of what may happen with the Cubs this year.

It all starts with a bus ride from St. Louis. And after 300 miles, the future begins……

As our cantankerous yellow bus wheezes haltingly into a North Chicago parking lot, we realize our bumpy journey is, at last, ending.

‘Why have they come here?’ a voice questions.

The pilgrimage that began five hours earlier on a brisk Spring Saturday morning is coming to a joyous completion.

‘What is the purpose of this mission?’ is asked.

Each pair of impassioned eyes is now consuming the edifice which has become our Mecca.

‘What is the attraction?’ the voice queries.

We are squirming with anticipation because our motorized cocoon will soon open the door allowing its metamorphosized passengers unfettered deliverance to Wrigley Field.

‘They have come all this way for a game?’

Exiting our transport, we flutter like butterflies, benignly brandishing our scarlet pennants, and broadcasting a semaphoric dispatch of the Cardinal contingent’s advent. Two score and six ‘birds on the bat’ fanatics swagger onto the hallowed grounds, that for nine decades has been the den of the Cubs. However, we have not invaded the lair of the ‘Baby Bruins’ to desecrate this shrine nor to vilify its followers (not withstanding our outspoken disdain for the opposition), but to laud the steadfast perseverance and enigmatic loyalty of its magnanimous disciples.

‘Is there a spell bewitching the thousands who flock here for each game?’

The Cubs haven’t won a World Series since Mordecai ‘Three Finger’ Brown pitched his way past Ty Cobb’s 1908 Detroit Tigers. Not merely iambic lines of verse in a charming poem, Tinker, Evers and Chance were actual flesh and blood ball players that year.

‘The appeal is Cubs baseball?’

Of course, that’s it. It means so much to the faithful, evoking mythical memories of past triumphs. In professional baseball’s incipient era, Chicago was the National League’s premier champion. Pitching ace Al Spalding’s forty-seven victories coupled with the batting prowess of hitting pioneers Cal McVey, Ross Barnes, Cap Anson and Deacon White begat a rich sporting tradition for the small community on Lake Michigan. (General Custer made his ‘Last Stand’ the same year.) The Cubs rode roughshod over the baseball world when Teddy Roosevelt occupied the White House. Even the infamous ‘Black Sox’ could not tarnish the luster of baseball’s golden age. Their saga became another ingredient of the lore.

‘But its been so long ago. Has it been too long?’

Could a team from North Chicago ever again harness the ponderous potency of previous powerhouses?

‘That’s the fascination, isn’t it?’

Will the confoundment end? Will this be the season the Cubs take it all? Will the spark of victory be traced back to this specific April game? Will I be telling my grandchildren years from now that I attended the contest that set in motion the termination of man’s most ignominious tract of fruitlessness? The answer may be just nine innings away.

‘Could a miracle happen here today?’

Tickets in hand, we pass under steel rafters and concrete facades, through a vestibule of snack bars, restrooms and swarming masses ever pressing toward the inner sanctum of this venerated atrium. The distinctive crack of lathe crafted ash colliding with a horsehide covered sphere impell us into a most majestic setting. We enter; the field appears. It is paradise with a grounds crew. The broad panoramic vista rivals any scene from an ‘Ireland, the Emerald Isle’ postcard. The well groomed green grass is complemented by a dust covered clay diamond, highlighted with three white bases. Uniformed players ready themselves for the upcoming proceedings.

‘Is this heaven?’ No, it’s Iowa’s neighbor, Illinois.’

Mesmerized, we could only stand there.

‘Down in front, you birdbrains.’ This was a different voice.

The gruff decree snaps us from our collective rapture. Wearing the caps, shirts and jackets of Fredbird’s favorite color and logo, it doesn’t take an inclinometer to show the natives we’re leaning toward the lads from St. Louis. This breach of local standards provokes a stream of vociferous vocal venom peppered with plenty of depraved pictorial language, as well as sporadic personal rancor. What a great welcome. It’s even better than we expected.

Settling into our ‘red ghetto’, we perceive the babbling hubbub of a jostling throng, who like us, is captivated by this valiant diversion called baseball. Following the National Anthem, the inimitable cry of ‘Play Ball’ inaugurates a sublime ceremonial ritual pitting the hurler against the hitter.

‘Is this the beginning of the end of Cubs frustration?’

The game is underway. Inning follows inning. Like links in a chain, zeroes are strung together on the National League’s only original, remaining hand operated scoreboard. The two rows of zeroes match the ‘OOOOOOO’h’s of what has become a unified pro-Cub crowd. What?????…..Sure we’re Redbird fans, but this could be the dawn of a new era.

‘Isn’t that the real underlying reason for this crusade?’

Undaunted by past humiliations, the ecumenical mass, now of single focus, hold its breath each time a visting batter makes contact. The ‘Junior Bears’ pitching is still holding up, and their offense has finally scratched out a lone run. It’s the Cardinals last scheduled at bat, two are out and the intensity level is cranked up to the maximum.

‘Could this finally be the light at the end of the tunnel for the Cubs?’

All eyes, even of those hawking refreshments, are riveted onto the field. Here’s the windup and the pitch.

‘Strike One,’ bellows the umpire.

Everyone’s going wild. A peanut vendor is jumping up and down in the aisle, concentrating more on the game than on his fiduciary responsibilities. Another toss yields another strike. Again the building erupts. To my chagrin, pent up energy within me is demanding food. I ignore the urge.

A foul ball muffles the multitude and five more of the same instill an apprehensive uneasiness. Not twenty feet from me, that peanut guy is milling in place, the freshly roasted aroma of his product tantalizing my hunger pangs. Several more pitches are deflected into the seats; a cloistered hush overwhelms us all. The forced nervous silence is reminiscent of the ominous stillness during a showdown on the streets of the Old West. Likewise, this duel is being played out with nary a sound, the anxious onlookers oppressed by a stifling unnatural disquietude. All noise has now been drained from the place. There is only STONE…STARK…..SILENCE…..……

‘Peanuts!!!!!’ I explode, jumping to my feet. The vendor whirls and fires a bag at me. I duck, mindlessly, shamefully. Behind me an innocent bystander is blasted full force; the life giving legumes splattering to the ground. The pitcher steps off the mound, glaring at me.

Somehow, this senseless event returns to the stands the revelry of a shindig. A staccato clap begins, demanding the strike out. The ecstatic mob is once again inebriated with anticipatory zeal. The victory is at hand. Voices squeal, feet stomp and the heavens shudder. One more strike…….

‘The place is rocking. Will this be the game that the Cubs surpass mediocrity, transcend demagogism and just DO IT !!!! ?????’

The Cardinal hitter doubles off the wall. The next triples him home. Six more hits and ultimately a grand slam mercifully end the Perfectos scoring onslaught. Then the bottom of the ninth is as futile as the previous 99 years. The Cubs will NEVER win a World Series if they play for another millenium.

The voice is right.

‘Cubs baseball is for the birds!’

Cubs Opening Day Giveaway Ideas

CUBS TO ALL FRONT OFFICE PERSONNEL:

It has come to my attention that in St. Louis, on opening day, all fans will receive a replica world series ring as a promotional giveaway. Ideas like this are what make great sports towns. Please lets brainstorm and come up with some ideas as to what we can give away to our dedicated fans. I have enclosed my own list and hope for some professional feedback as well as your ideas too. Thank you, John J. Wrigley, Esq.

10. Replica of the 10% off all Wrigley products coupon that the players received for winning the 1908 world series.
9. Brandt Brown Bobblehead
8. A day with Ernie Broglio
7. Two days with Harry Carry
6. A map to the south side to visit a real life world series trophy at Comiskey.
5. Beta (or Laserdisc) of The Blues Brothers with a lifesize cardboard cutout of Jim Belushi.
4. T-shirt with our new 2008 Motto ‘Wild Card Fever’
3. 2 tickets to the best game in town OPRAH!
2. One year supply of professional grade CORK
1. Amtrak tickets to see the Cardinals play in a stadium built for this century

Sincerely,
John J. Wrigley, Esq

The Chicagoan in Hell

He had been a horrible man his entire life and has been sent to HELL.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it
worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is
suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Chicagoan is happily
swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, “I don’t understand this. I’ve turned
the heat way up, it’s humid, you’re crushing rocks; why are you so
happy?”

The Chicagoan, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, “This is
great! It reminds me of August in Chicago . Hot, humid, a good place to
work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!”

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Chicagoan’s
remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and
torrential wind.

Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust
blowing into his eyes, the Chicagoan is happily slogging through the mud
pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Chicagoan
replies, “This is great! Just like April in Chicago . It reminds me of
working out in the yard with spring planting!”

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the
Chicagoan suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is
blanketed in snow and ice.

Confident that this will surely make the Chicagoan unhappy, the devil checks
in on the Chicagoan. He is again aghast at what he sees.

The Chicagoan
is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he
cavorts in glee.

“How can you be so happy? Don’t you know its 40 below zero!?” screams the
devil.

Jumping up and down the Chicagoan throws a snowball at the devil and yells, Hell’s frozen over!! This means the Cubs won the world series!!

Shark Fishing

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Chicago Cubs jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing St. Louis Cardinals jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Cubs fan from the water.

Then using (autographed by Lou Brock himself) baseball bats, the three heroes in Cardinal Red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

“I give you my blessing for your brave actions,” he told them. “I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Cardinal and Cub fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.”

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies “Who was that?” “It was the Pope,” one replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.”

“Well,” the harpooner said, “he may have access to God’s wisdom.. But he don’t know shit about shark fishing”.

How’s the bait holding up?”

Saudi Arabia Joke

A Cincinnati Reds fan, a Chicago Cubs fan, and a St. Louis Cardinals fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the U.S. Army. While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death! With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, “It’s my 1st wife’s birthday today, and she asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping.”

The Reds fan was 1st in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Reds fan was carried away bleeding and crying. The Cub fan was up next (he almost finished an entire 5th by himself), and after watching the scene, said “OK please fix 2 pillows to my back.” But even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Cub fan crying like a baby. The Cardinals fan was the last up (he had finished off the case), but before he could say anything the Sheik turned to him and said, “You support the greatest baseball team in the world. Your team’s fans are the best and most loyal in the world. Because of this, you may have 2 wishes.” “Thanks, your most royal highness” the Cardinals fan replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, powerful man, you are also very brave,” said the Sheik. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Sheik asked.

“Tie the Cub fan to my back.”

Cub Hatred Starts Early

A Chicago family of Cubs fans heads out to shop for the youngest boy’s birthday.

While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Cardinals jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decide to become a Cardinals fan & I would like this St. Louis jersey for my birthday.” His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, “Go talk to Mother!”

Mom?”

“Yes, son?”

“I’ve decided I’m going to be a Cardinals fan and would like this jersey
for my birthday.” The mother, outraged at this, promptly whacks him and
says, “Go talk to your father!” Off he goes with the Cardinals jersey in
hand and finds his father.

“Dad?”

Yes, son?”

“I’m going to be a Cardinals fan and want this jersey for my birthday.”
The father then proceeds to whack his son in the back of his head and
says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!”

Back in the car and heading home, the father turns to his son and says “I hope you’ve learned something today.”

The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.”

“Good, son, what is it?”

The son replies, “I’ve only been a Cardinals fan for an hour, and I already hate you Cub bastards.”

2016 Cubs Promotional Schedule

April 7: Home Opener and raising of the “Attendance Flag” to commemorate the magical 2005 season in which the Cubs were a bigger draw than any of their hated rivals. Not being raised: World Series Champions flag.

April 8: Presentation of the “Nice Neighborhood” rings to members of The 2005 squad in commemoration of their capturing of the city’s heart by playing in such a cute little part of town. Not being presented: World Series Champions rings.

April 9: Home Opener Weekend festivities conclude with the Cardinals completing a sweep of the Cubs at Wrigley.

April 24: Win a Mark Prior autographed picture! 100 lucky fans will receive a 5 x 7″ photo signed by the Cubs’ 11-game winner!

April 25: Turn Back the Clock I with throwback jerseys, old-time music and special guests and relive the magic of the Cubs’ epic loss to the Florida Marlins in the 2003 NLCS.

May 13: Turn Back the Clock II with authentic 1984 uniforms jerseys and an even-more-authentic loss to the 1984 NLCS champion San Diego Padres.

May 14: Precious Moments figurine doll to the first 10,000 female fans*.

June 15: Kerry Wood bobblehead day. The first 10,000 fans will receive a bobblehead doll of the Northsiders’ all-time leader in simulated strikeouts!

June 16: Turn Back the Clock III – Kick off a rematch of the Cubs’ most recent World Series appearance as they welcome the Detroit Tigers and try to beat them for the first time since 1945.

June 30: Crosstown Amnesty Day – All managers and first 25 players on the White Sox active roster will receive a complimentary win.

July 1: Turn Back the Clock IV – 1906 World Series rematch. Authentic memorabilia will be given out to lucky Cub fans, as will an authentic 1906-style massacre of their lovable losers.

July 2: Lovable Loser Day – First 15,000 losers get to fall in love with the Cubs even more as they are handed yet another staggering loss at home by yet another area team that has built something more substantial than their own ticket-scalping empire**.

July 14: Harry Caray Day, featuring an all-star tribute to the late and beloved former White Sox and Cardinals announcer.

August 1: Nine Games Back Day – First 10,000 fans in attendance to correctly explain what “Nine Games Back” means receive a Cubs t-shirt***.

August 19: Playoff Day. Come out and root for the Cubs as they stand on the brink of elimination against the Cardinals with forty-one games still left to play in the season. First 20,000 fans wearing Cubs gear receive a White Sox t-shirt.

September 2: Turn Back the Clock V – Cubs fans, come out and party like it’s 1989 in this showdown against the 1989 NLCS champion San Francisco Giants!

October 1: Final Home Game / Wait ‘Til Next Year Day – First 39,538 fans are idiots.

Courtesy of Andrew Reilly

What Game?

Three baseball fans were sitting in a bar. One was a Cardinal fan, one a Cub fan and one a White Sox fan. They were arguing about what a day at the ball park was all about it.

The White Sox fan said, “Why it means an animated Ozzie leading his team to victory, the smell of hot dogs, hearing the crack of the bat and seeing if Steve Dahl can squeeze his fat egomaniacal lard ass into one seat.”

The Cardinal fan argued, “Yeah, that maybe true, but there is nothing like sitting in a sea of Red, surrounded by Cardinal fans young and old cheering them on to victory.”

After that there was silence. The Sox fan and the Cardinal fan waited, and finally asked the Cub fan what a day at the ballpark meant to him, to which the Cub fan scratched his brow and thought about it.

Finally he retorted, “There is nothing like sitting in beautiful Wrigley field, talking on your cell phone while trying to get on TV, watching all the Michigan State frat boys get drunk and hit on chicks with big hooters and singing take me out to the ball game.”

The Cardinal fan said, “well what about the game! Isn’t the whole reason for going is to see a baseball game?”

The Cub fan sat and finally answered, “game? what game?”

CUB FANS ANONYMOUS

THE 12 STEPS

  1. We admit that our team is powerless over baseball, and our team has become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a team greater than the Cubs could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our cheers and our loyalty to that team.
  4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our memorabilia.
  5. Admitted to ourselves and another human being that the CUBS SUCK!
  6. Said we were ready to have this defect of character removed.
  7. Humbly removed our pennants and bumper stickers.
  8. Made a list of all baseball fans we had offended by being a Cub Fan and agreed to tell them that the CUBS INDEED SUCK!
  9. Told those fans directly, except when to do so would cause them to heap such abuse and ridicule upon us as to cause assault of homicide.
  10. Continue to watch baseball and when we see the Cubs play, promptly admit they SUCK!
  11. Seek through radio and television to improve our knowledge of our new team.
  12. Having opened our eyes, we will carry forth the message that “THE CUBS SUCK!” in all our affairs.

CUBS Chokin’ Crew Shuffle

A new version of an old classic…

THE CHOKIN’ CREW SHUFFLE (SUNG TO THE TUNE OF THE SUPER BOWL SHUFFLE)
WE ARE THE CUBS CHOKIN’ CREW
CHOKIN’ AGAIN LIKE WE ALWAYS DO
WE’RE SO BAD, NOT VERY GOOD
CHOKIN’ AGAIN LIKE YOU KNEW WE WOULD
WE DIDN’T THINK WE’D HAVE NO TROUBLE
UNTIL THE METS AND THE REDS BROKE OUR BUBBLE
UH HUH UH HUH

YOU ALL KNOW ME
MY NAME IS SAMMY
AS A PLAYER
I’M JUST A BIG HAMMY
I STILL DON’T THROW
TO THE RIGHT BASE
BUT WHY DO THE FANS
GET ON MY CASE?

NO MORE STEROIDS
IN MY BOOTY
SO NOW I PLAY LIKE A
PIECE OF HORSE ! DOODY

I DIDN’T THINK
I’D HAVE NO TROUBLE
BUT I’M A BIG PART
OF THE CHOKIN’ CREW SHUFFLE
UH HUH UH HUH

I PLAY LEFT FIELD
MY NAME’S ALOU
I PISS ON MY HANDS
THEN I EAT MY OWN POO

ALL THE UMPS
ARE OUT TO GET ME
NO BARTMAN THIS YEAR
SO I’LL BLAME STONEY

I DIDN’T THINK
I’D HAVE NO TROUBLE
BUT I’M A BIG PART
OF THE CHOKIN’ CREW SHUFFLE
UH HUH UH HUH

MY NAMES LATROY
AND MAN I’M STINKY
THAT’S WHY I’M
NO LONGER A TWINKIE

WHEN I TRY AND CLOSE
I ALWAYS CHOKE
ME AS A CLOSER
THAT’S A BIG JOKE

I DIDN’T THINK
I’D HAVE NO TROUBLE
BUT ! I’M A BIG PART
OF THE CHOKIN’ CREW SHUFFLE
UH HUH UH HUH, UH HUH HUH HUH HUH

HEY EVERYBODY
IT’S ME, IT’S KERRY
ME IN A BIG GAME
MAN THAT’S SCARY

I NEVER WIN
WHEN THE PRESSURE’S HIGH
IF THEY HAD ANY BRAINS
THEY’D TRADE ME
BYE BYE

I DIDN’T THINK
I’D HAVE NO TROUBLE
BUT I’M A BIG PART
OF THE CHOKIN’ CREW SHUFFLE
UH HUH UH HUH

I’M NOMAR AND
I HAVE A BIG NOSE
AND MIA ALWAYS TELLS ME
I’VE GOT AN ITTY BITTY HOSE

THE BOSOX KNEW
SO THEY SENT ME AWAY
AND THEY GOT BETTER
THE VERY NEXT DAY

I DIDN’T THINK
I’D HAVE NO TROUBLE
BUT I’M A BIG PART
OF THE CHOKI! N’ CREW SHUFFLE
UH HUH UH HUH UH HUH HUH HUH HUH

NOW LOOKY HERE EVERYBODY
THIS IS DUSTY
I’M THE GREAT SAVIOR
BUT MY TEAMS ALWAYS GO BUSTY

MY TEAMS NEVER WIN
AND HERES THE REASON
AS A MANAGER I SUCK
SEASON AFTER SEASON

I DON’T KNOW NOTHIN’
‘BOUT THE PITCHIN’
AND MY PLAYERS ARE RIGHT
TO ALWAYS BE BITCHIN’

THREE STRAIGHT YEARS
MY TEAMS HAVE CHOKED
BUT WHAT DO I CARE
CUB FANS ARE TOO F’N
DUMB TO FIGURE IT OUT ANYWAY
UH HUH UH HUH!

Look Under That Cubs Hat

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the White Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. the Cardinals fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Sox cap, replaced it, then wrote down some notes. Then he lifted up the Cardinals cap, replaced it, then wrote down some more notes.

The officer then lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, then lifted it up again, replaced it, and lifted it up a third time and replaced it one last time.

The Cubs fan was getting upset and asked What are you? A pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”

“Well, said the Officer, I am surprised. Normally when I look under a Cubs hat, I find an asshole”

Hey, the Cubs are going to win the World Series this year! (best if used on April Fools Day)
APRIL FOOLS!
Does anyone know what they call winning teams in Chicago?
VISITORS
Whats the difference between a gay bear and October?
No Cubs
What is the happiest place on Earth?
The Visitors Dugout at Wrigley Field.
What do Cubs and Cardinal fans have in common?
They love pooholes, Pujols.
How come all cubs fans are scrubs?
Because you can’t spell scrubs without cubs!
What do you call a Chicago Cub with a World Series ring?
A thief.
What’s the difference between Bigfoot and a smart Cubs fan?
Bigfoot has been sighted before.
Why don’t the Cubs have a website?
Because they can’t get 3 “W’s” in a row.
Have you ever read the world’s shortest book?
The Chicago Cubs: A Century of Success
Whats the difference between the government and the Cubs?
Nothing they both screw things up!!!
What does a mama bear on birth control and the World Series have in common?
No Cubs.
How do you keep the Chicago Cubs out of your house?
Put home plate in your front yard!
What is the difference between Wrigley Field and a porcupine?
A porcupine has 35,000 pricks on the outside.
What is the difference between a cactus and Wrigley field?
On a cactus all the pricks are on the outside.
Did you see that the Cubs are selling replica uniforms from the last time they won the World Series?
It’s a toga!
How many assholes does it take to turn a car over and set it on fire?
I don’t know but we’ll find out when the Cubs win the World Series!
How many cub fans does it take to screw in the light at the end of the tunnel?
Silly cub fan, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
What did Jesus say to the Cubs last time he was on Earth?
Don’t do anything till I get back.
Have you heard that Monica Lewinsky may become the next manager of the Cubs?
They figure she’ll blow a few, but she won’t choke on the big ones.
A drunk Brewers fan, a smart Cubs fan and Santa Claus find a $50 bill laying on the sidewalk, who picked it up?
The Brewers fan… smart Cubs fans and Santa don’t exist.
What makes wrigley so beautiful?
About 12 Old Styles
The Cubs only have 2 seasons where their fans can ever say anything positive…
The Pre Season and the Off Season.
Did you hear the Cubs changed their teamname to Chicago Possums…
They sleep at home and get killed on the road!!!
What is the Chicago Cubs theme for this season?
No Rings, No Championship, No problem! Wrigley Field…come and smell the history! Hey, it’s something to do. Lakeview’s hottest singles bar Your chance to see a Purdue girl puke!
Did you hear that Major League Baseball has banned the sale of beer at Wrigley Field this year?
Yeah it’s because the Cubs lost their opener!
Meteorologists have determined that the dust cloud that was recently spreading over Europe and delaying International travel was not from the volcanic eruption in Iceland, but are now interviewing the person responsible for cleaning the Chicago Cubs trophy case
On the north side Cubs fans are saying—we”re going all the way!!! And the rest of the National League Central agrees — going all the way to the bottom, that is!!!
They say that there is nothing easier than taking candy from a baby. Wrong! Being from Chicago I know that there is nothing easier than taking MONEY from a Cub Fan… Babies fight back.
The Three Bears are getting a divorce. The judge drags little Baby Bear in front of him and asks, “Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with Mama Bear. Baby bear thinks for a while and says “Nooo, I don’t think I want to live with Mama Bear. She beats me.” The judge, somewhat agast, then asks, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?” Again, Baby Bear says, “Nooo, I don’t want to live with Papa Bear either. He beats me too.” The judge, now totally amazed, asks, “Well who do you want to live with?” Baby Bear thinks and thinks and finally says “I want to live with the Chicago Cubs! They don’t beat anybody!”
So I heard today that Disney is now interested in buying the cubs when they come for sale at the end of this year. This makes sense as they have plenty of money to do this plus they have a vested interest in sports (ESPN). Supposedly they are really just looking for the next Mickey Mouse operation and the Cubs franchise is a perfect fit.
A guy gets married and is waiting for his wife on his honeymoon. She walks out of the bathroom in a flimsy little lingerie and says, “Now be gentle, I’m a virgin.” The guy says, “I’m your fourth husband….how can you be a virgin?” The woman says, “Well, my first husband turned out to be gay and he wouldn’t do it. My second husband was an acoholic and he couldn’t do it. And my third husband was a Cub fan. He kept saying, ‘Wait till next year…wait till next year!’
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “241.” “That’s wonderful!” says Einstein. “We can talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have so much to discuss!!” Next, Einstein introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the woman answers, “144.” “That’s great!” responds Einstein. “We can discuss politics and current affairs.” Finally, Einstein goes to yet another person and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “51.” Einstein immediately responds. “How about those Cubbies?”
A guy gets married and is waiting for his wife on his honeymoon. She walks out of the bathroom in a flimsy little lingerie and says, “Now be gentle, I’m a virgin.” The guy says, “I’m your fourth husband….how can you be a virgin?” The woman says, “Well, my first husband turned out to be gay and he wouldn’t do it. My second husband was an acoholic and he couldn’t do it. And my third husband was a Cub fan. He kept saying, ‘Wait till next year…wait till next year!’
A man from the midwest died and went to hell. The devil walked in and turned up the thermostat and asked “how does that feel?” The man replied, “well, I’m from the midwest and 90 degrees feels like a june day.” The devil cranked it up again and aked,”how does it feel now?” the man replied “well, that feels pretty nice, kinda like a 100 degree july day.” The devil was getting pissed and up went the thermostat again. “and now?” he asked. “well, thats just like a nice 110 degree august midwest day” the man replied. The devil was so pissed that he turned the thermostat all the way down and hell froze over. “Now how does it feel?” He asked. “All right!” the man yelled. “The cubs finally won the world series!”

You May Be a Cubs Fan…

If you prefer 3 Stooges shorts with Shemp over the ones with Curley …
If back in the 60s you considered The Dave Clark 5 to be better than the Beatles …
If Timothy Dalton is your favorite James Bond …
If you believe the USA did not lose the war in Vietnam …
If you prefer soccer to NFL football …
If you still think it’s hip to watch Saturday Night Live …
If any of the above apply to you then …

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she’s a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they’re Cubs fans, too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan is but wanting to be just like their teacher, the students launch their hands into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception: A girl named Lucy doesn’t go along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she’s decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Cubs fan,” Lucy says. “Then what are you?” asks the teacher. “Why, I’m proud to be a Sox fan,” boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she’s a Sox fan. “Well, my mom and dad are Sox fans, so I’m a Sox fan, too.” The teacher is now very angry. “That’s no reason!” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?” Lucy pauses, then smiles. “Why, then,” Lucy says, “I’d be a Cubs fan.”

A Poem from 2006

This one goes out to all the Sox fans and Cubs fans.

The Cubs frickin suck.
I find this to be true.
It makes me sick to see these pricks
Wearing Cubbie Blue.
Wrigley Field’s a dump.
Wrigleyville is gay.
The Sox can take it to the Cubs
Anytime, any day.

The Cubs Suck!
The Cubs Really Suck!
The Cubs Really Really Suck!

Lee is overrated.
Zambrano’s an ass.
Prior can’t stay healthy.
Baker passes gas.
Hendry can’t run this fucking team
to save his pathetic life!
Wood gets injured every year,
and has a trainer for a wife!

The Cubs Suck!
The Cubs Really Suck!
The Cubs Really Really Suck!
(2x)

The Cubbies are sissies.
Their fans are all fags!
They walk around in Boytown
Dressing up like drags!
The guys dive in troughs!
The chicks are ugly as fu$$!
The Sox are the Champions…
The Cubs just SUCK!!!

The Cubs Suck!
The Cubs Really Suck!
The Cubs Really Really Suck!
The Cubs Suck!
The Cubs Really Suck!
The Cubs Really Really Suck!

I dedicate this poem to all the White Sox fans and Cubs fans everywhere! This one’s for you!

The Lyrics to the next hit… “Wake Me Up When September Ends”

Summer has come and passed
The Cubbies have finished last
wake me up when september ends

Generations have come and passed
100 years is not that fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes another loss again
Drinking at the bars
drenched in my pain again
forgetting who we are

as the angry fans protest
they never forget every loss
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
The Cubbies have finished last
wake me up when september ends

bring out the balls again
its time to lose, its spring again
wake me up when september ends

here comes another loss again
Drinking at the bars
drenched in my pain again
forgetting who we are

as the angry fans protest
they never forget every loss
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
The Cubbies have finished last
wake me up when september ends

Generations have come and passed
100 years is not that fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

The Cubs theme song is “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by Green Day.